That you are good enough and that you can make it on your own, that there are ways out and its all up to you. Well, he had been drinking and he started throwing things around. A certain blogger named Skylar came up with a method of dealing with narcissists and other toxic people. DoctorRamani 336,566 views You can try to make it work, but keep a Plan B in case it doesn’t. I’ve been in this toxic relationship for two years. So, let’s try our best and prepare for the alternative, I always say. The Gray Rock Rule. Take all necessary precautions. The basic method of Grey Rock Safe Detachment involves becoming more and more outwardly boring, plain, and uninteresting. Here’s how a conversation might go down. Introducing the Gray Rock Method. We have to learn. IDK why they feel proud of themselves while compared to other human. The gray rock method is true you are right on with narcissistic behaviors and how dangerous people ( attention seekers) can react. The gray rock method is basically a means to end a narcissist's interest in you by becoming emotionally non-responsive. Thank you so much for reading and for helping with Donna. There is a hidden risk to this strategy that is not often mentioned, but I’ve witnessed it with clients who have practiced it after living with a narcissist for some years. As toxic individuals are drawn to drama, your boring demeanor will make them seek a new source of narcissistic supply and they will eventually move away to someone who can offer them the chaotic … I am proud you changed your life for the better by getting away. Grey Rock is a technique that allows one to take a step back and simply observe instead of fending off or goading into the unwanted attention. Today I thank God for my life I am blessed with the experiences I gained. If you need to change anything it shouldn’t be how you tip toe around some unpredictable sociopath who already accuses of things you never did to begin with. It’s hard to do sometimes, but sometimes, you have to do it to stay sane and have a good life. You don’t always have to do boring things and say okay to everyone. If they are trying to start an argument, and you don’t respond at all, they can get violent. A far better option than going gray rock, if possible, is to break up or divorce and go "no contact." There’s nothing one can do but just move on with life be a mature person and think there’s a lot in life to take care of then to be bragging about pain and heartbreak. The Gray Rock Method is only for those who just cannot get away from the toxic person. When you’re ready to leave, tell the authorities about what you plan to do, tell friends and family that you know will not tell him…only the ones who will not rat you out. You know all about their lies, their blame-shifting, gaslighting, and manipulation of other sorts. With this background and personal experience, she strives to help others overcome trauma and abuse, cope with mental illness, and heal over time. If i could go back and do it all again knowing what i know now i wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve endured weight loss, been through both physical and verbal abuse, and even became convinced that I was the problem myself. This method can also work on psychopaths, sociopaths, and others with similar strategies of manipulation. After some time has gone by, they do leave for good. By continuing to use this website, you consent to the use of cookies in accordance with our Cookie Policy. Moreover, abusers will up the ante to elicit a response from you to regain control and reassure themselves that you have feelings for them. Grey Rock may be difficult if your job or life demands you to be in the public spotlight. The goal is to show no emotion or react to the attempts the narc will make to upset or hurt you. If you do whats right and do not back down in your fight for it and youll become so proud of what you stand for that youll never again accept anything less. He tells me if I ever leave again, he will kill me. If my x wants to leave me I would cry for a month or two but I get over it thinking love is not a one way road. Narcissism and BPD are different. Now, I’m not saying the color gray is ugly or anything, it’s just not the most lively of hues. It’s always best to go No Contact (or Very Low Contact) with the narcissists in your life, if it’s at all possible. There’s no problem on earth which has no solution at all or with no options it’s us who choose it the choice is in our hands. So you're not a "10" in every which way. Do you know how narcissists try to start fights? A certain blogger named Skylar came up with a method of dealing with narcissists and other toxic people. Cutting a narcissist from your life, in some cases, could be dangerous, and if you are going through a divorce or trying to change your life to the objection of a close family member, you need to protect yourself first. The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly. Phenomenal approach. The Gray Rock strategy is the most effective in work and dating relationships or when co-parenting after separation with the goal of being left alone. If someone has fallen out of love doesn’t mean u manipulate or cry and act like good girl to have them back. What does the Grey Rock Method mean? The gray rock method of dealing with a narcissist will help you keep your sanity and safety. ), so we might be on our way to honesty at least (and hopefully, my freedom). The Gray Rock method of dealing with psychopaths Editor’s note: At the request of readers, the Lovefraud member “Skylar” has contributed the following article. I got tired of his trash talk, and so I started to ignore him. I started growing up then nothing moved as I thought I wanted to have a great life but no. I take heart breaks very well. All content published on this website is intended for informational purposes only. Sherrie manages multiple mental illnesses, including anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, and PTSD. Greatness is something we all have within us but not everyone is willing to fight for it. Do you know of the greatness you hold within yourself? IM DESPERATE NOW AND WANT OUT. I have left many times, only to return because he says I abandoned him. But as soon as the toxic individual comes around, act like you have no interest whatsoever in what they have to say. For years I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I thought he was Aspergers? Most of the time, especially in intimate relationships, the narcissist will eventually leave. The method below requires practice and you won’t get it right first time, but, when used consistently, it will put distance (mostly emotional, but also physical to some degree) between you and your abuser. Then you can ascertain whether your relationship can improve or whether it’s best to leave. It’s just smart thinking. Are you still hoping for love and commitment from this person? The Memory Problem That Makes Life Difficult for Introverts, The Transformational Effects of Bereavement, How to Parent Young Adults Who Move Back Home, The Psychology of Listening to Music During Sex. I'm not sure if my sister is a narcissist, but she rages to get her way. Ik how evil a narcissist can be. The Gray Rock technique does come with a caveat: psychopaths are dangerous people, if you are in a relationship with one that has already decided to kill you, it will be difficult to change his mind. They may bluff divorce or break up many times before actually leaving. It’s just so hard for the narcissist to see themselves as others do. THEN HIS MOM DIES AND LEAVES HIM A LIL MONEY AND HE SPENDS IT ALL ON HIMSELF. Reviewed by Lybi Ma. Like anyone walking on eggshells in a relationship, you're suppressing your thoughts and feelings with this approach. It may cause re-traumatization, reminding you of how you felt growing up if your needs and feelings were ignored. Trust me, a true narcissist loves to tell you that you’re the narcissist yourself. Learn what to say when they try to hoover you back or create drama for you. How I learned to dfrrreal with her is to repeat every accusation she hurls at me. They may throw tantrums and throw things like a child. In such a case, it’s better to confront abuse, set boundaries, and take steps to protect yourself. I guess in not a narcissist cause I opted for different jobs I started getting peep. That toxic relationship with my sons mother made me who i am today. If you can leave, yes, leave, but if you can’t or don’t want to, you see, you’re going to need a way to survive and even possibly thrive while enduring the abuse. After all, being ignored is one of the things a narcissist hates most. The gray rock method allows you to stay in contact with emotional vampires without being a target. So, Grey Rock lasted a few days before he decided we needed to have a “talk”. Well, it could be anybody, but chances are, you’d be the last one approached. But you're probably pretty spectacular in some way, and definitely good enough in most areas of life. Practice detachment and not responding to anger, putdowns, outrageous accusations, slander, or jealous provocations. Sending love. Some people refer to this rule as the “gray rock” rule of communication. You had 1 in 500,000 chance at life and you were stronger than all 500+ thousand. Sad to report that I have had to deal with far too many individuals with this type of behavior and I still have a ways to go but I believe one day my life will be rid of these types for good!! Grey rocking is a powerful technique for dealing with a narcissistic ex-wife. Life isn’t easy and it doesn’t get easier but you can get stronger and wiser. Die „Gray Rock Methode“ - eine temporäre Notfallmaßnahme im Umgang mit Psychopathen, Narzissten und anderen Energievampiren Die im nachfolgenden geschilderte Umgangsstrategie kann äußerst hilfreich sein, wenn man gezwungen ist, mit einer dem Cluster B Spektrum zuordbaren Person in Kontakt stehen zu müssen und deswegen unter starkem Stress steht. However, when dealing with people with BPD, often their upset passes when it's not reacted to. This tactic is based upon self-denial and self-sacrifice. Your already a miracle. | Thank you for reading, Jack. Thanks for saying that. If they won’t change, we must change our scenery. Just be careful. You risk losing connection to your feelings, wants, and needs. If I person changes, it will only be because they want to. Learning Mind has over 50,000 email subscribers and more than 1,5 million followers on social media. I truly do hope you found this useful somehow. It’s not the No Contact method; you allow contact with them but only give them boring, unsatisfying responses so as to not fuel their ego. Well, the next time that happens and they start asking ridiculous questions and throwing around insults, just say, “Okay”. They’re even known to beg for you to take them back later with the promise of better behavior. Thank you. Sherrie Hurd is a professional writer and artist with over 20 years of experience. Okay, here’s what you do. I send you blessings. This special treatment is only for the toxic people in your life. Let’s face it, you know what you’re dealing with sooner or later. How to go Grey Rock with a Narcissist when No Contact is NOT an option. THANK YOU. Tamie M. Life Coach. The grey rock method is a powerful tool to use when establishing no-contact is not a viable option. We CAN learn. The intention of the Grey Rock method is that you embody all the thrill and personality of a grey rock. When and if you do need something from them, they’ll say “sure” and reassure you that they’ll take care of it, no problem, and then they’ll sulk and stew in silence because they feel put out for having their time and energy wasted. For others, the ones who treat you right, you should carry on with your life as normal. Even with narcissists, it's much better to first give feedback. And I believe him. I was a narcissist way back then but I wasn’t evil. The grey rock method involves becoming unresponsive to abusive or manipulative behavior so that the perpetrator will lose interest and stop. Essentially, they attempt to become as dull and unremarkable as a gray rock … However, I believe the only way I’ll truly find peace is to completely remove him from my life, at least temporarily. If you become a gray rock, you change the whole dynamic. Amazing Pig Intelligence: Pigs Turn Out to Be Smart Enough to Play Video Games! Empowerment life coach specializing in codependency and narcissistic abuse recovery. NOW HE HAS SUPPORTED ME FOR 10 MONTHS BUT NOW TELLS ME I NEVER TOOK CARE OF HIM. As a survivor of childhood trauma and multiple types of abuse, she is an advocate for mental health awareness. Instead of refusing to deal, you allow contact but only give monotonous responses so that the toxic person eventually must go elsewhere for their fix of … An reserved narcissist who wants to be appreciated and lauded for their awesomeness might resent any demands you make of them. You know the insults aren’t true, but who cares! He may already be poisoning you or sabotaging your vehicle. It is known as the Gray Rock Method. HE IS VIOLENT ABUSIVE A LIAR A CON AND A THIEF. Narcissists hate being bored or around boring things, and this is what you have been… a boring person who does boring things. In fact, they thrive off being the spotlight almost all the time. Say “maybe” or “I don’t know.” Additionally, make yourself plain and unattractive, so your partner gains no pleasure in showing you off or being seen with you. - Duration: 12:09. Record everything he says in abusive language. It is hard, but it is something we sometimes have to do. By being boring and limiting your responses, you cut off their narcissistic supply of drama. I also keep my distance...that's even more effective! This way, the narcissist can’t get the narcissistic supply they seek from you during gaslighting and manipulation – and they must seek it elsewhere. thanks for the idea. If you’re unable to do that for emotional reasons, examine your vulnerability to getting drawn back in. Take pictures of all bruises, cuts, and even the smallest scrapes he leaves on you, if he is physical. As I mentioned earlier, your narcissistic ex thrives on drama. She just needs to be careful about getting away from someone who is threatening her life. I find this difficult to believe because he cheats constantly and lies about it. Learning Mind is a blog created by Anna LeMind, B.A., with the purpose to give you food for thought and solutions for understanding yourself and living a more meaningful life. Why would it? That is the type of boring that you want to channel when you are dealing with a psychopath. I wanted everyone to feel my pain but never felt anything to anyone. However, if you’re persistent, in time, they’ll tire of not getting a reaction. I’ve lived with my share of narcissistic and toxic individuals before, and these were some of the hardest people to endure. Not reacting to adultery gives permission to your spouse to “have his (or her) cake and eat it too.” On the other hand, if you want to break up or escape a hovering narcissist or sociopath, using this method may lead to them tiring of your lack of response and leaving you alone. Unless you’re living apart and unequivocally want to end the relationship, the Gray Rock method is a risky tactic to attempt long term. Emotional detachment serves to undermine a narcissist’s attempts to lure and manipulate, causing them to grow uninterested and bored. This happened way back then when I was a child now I’m 32 yrs old. IF you have relatives you trust, then maybe you can live with them, even friends. Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today. Grey Rock Method. In part, Skylar says the gray rock method is, “primarily a way of encouraging a narcissist, psychopath, stalker or other emotionally unbalanced person, to lose interest in you.” Here’s a video where I share Skylar’s story. Eventually, they will recognize your strength, and they will back off a bit. Let’s be safe if you choose to leave. Like children having a tantrum, they believe they have the upper hand if you give in and react. I recently discovered the 'Grey Rock Method', and realized it is somewhat how my husband has been dealing with his psycho affair partner that he is trying to rid. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE. Let me add something to that, however. This can be traumatic. Being a gray rock requires you to suppress your natural needs for love, attention, companionship, empathy, sex, and affection. I WAS DEVESTATED AND DISGUSTED BUT COULDN’T LET HIM GO. If you are in immediate physical danger get help whether you have started Gray Rock or not. IM GOING TO TRY THIS ON MY BOYFRIEND. This method can also work on psychopaths, sociopaths, and others with similar strategies of manipulation. The Gray Rock Method gives you an option of blending in so that you no longer serve as a target for that person. I am sorry, Donna. I am happy they did, and I am sorry that I became so busy and didn’t go back and check older posts for new comments. Thank you, Mark. The Grey Rock method suggestsvictims of narcissistic abuse should behave, well, like a grey rock: simply go about your day making yourself as … Peep call me out to pray for them in church to share my experiences. IDK why I was a narcissist may be I was adopted as a child and I never had great toys to play with even my siblings grew up like me. I went through this with my ex-husband. What happens when you go "gray rock"? It is disappointing that this article suggests going gray rock with borderlines. If you’re dealing with a toxic person, try the Gray Rock Method and see how it works for you. A few of these relationships were so bad that it caused severe damage to my mental state. DO NOT give him any way to find you. If they’re not getting attention, you best believe they are on their way or making plans to get attention somehow. They may easily manufacture unfounded justifications. So, this will take planning, or you can leave and stay in a shelter until you can get a good job and save up money. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. In other words I agree with everything she says. Gray rocking, she added, is perfect for interactions where a survivor and abuser have to come in contact. She is a beautiful person, we were all meant to be that way. Eventually, I lost the job, but by then I had enough confidence that I survived mostly on my own. If you haven’t realized it yet, a narcissist thrives off of creating chaos and drama in their relationships. Unless they haven't sought help, it can be very damaging to the individual with BPD. And had this smug, “I’m better than you” attitude the entire time he was telling me how I was doing our relationship wrong and that I was never going to “get over” everything that happened in the past. I agree with this. It’s impossible for a toxic person to remain in the company of someone who provides no attention to feed their emptiness. Like leaving a toxic relationship with someone you care about is very hard but its the right thing to do. And why is that? Don’t just flat out ignore them. Narcissists and toxic individuals don’t like gray worlds, but we have to create one for them to understand. Author. Unloved Daughters: 5 Accidental Truths My Mother Taught Me, Psychology Today © 2021 Sussex Publishers, LLC, How Competition for Connectivity Shapes the Cerebellum, Nutrition Can Strengthen the Immune System to Fight COVID-19, Sustaining Daily Activity Levels May Offset Depression Risk, Know the Kind of Narcissist You're Dealing With and Symptoms, The Difference Between a Narcissist and a Sociopath, Covert Tactics Manipulators Use to Control and Confuse You, The Narcissistic Control of Relationships, How to Leave a Narcissist or Toxic Relationship. When I accumulated enough money, I got a divorce and moved out. It will give you a chance to avoid drama caused by the narcissist in your life. Okay, I see above where someone spoke with you. Narcissists love attention. Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and an expert and author on relationships and codependency. The grey rock method is a practice where an individual becomes emotionally non-responsive, boring, and virtually acts like a rock. The key is to get past one thing, and one thing only, this statement – “He has nobody else”. I go to mosque some countries have mosques for ladies too so I go cleaning up the mosque stair ways or arranging Quran’s in book self for the readers and worshipers to make it easy for them during the fasting days holy month. HE IS EVERYTHING IVE READ ABOUT AND MORE. Start off slow so you prevent possible violence or rage against your responses. We had no toys or friends I was bekeived since childhood my life was end that’s all it was all about but I see others parents attain their children’s school events show up at parent meeting and stuff. I NEED HELP IN GETTING OUT BUT NOW HAVE NO PLACE TO GO BUT INTO THE STREETS. And they aren’t particular about what kind of drama. Ik a narcissist who’s 63yr old who’s from a village and yet compares her self to me and thinks she has better qualities then me. It isn’t the best strategy to feel safe and get your needs met. I change my point of view I go to church to pray for myself as well help others. Using the Gray Rock method, your objective is to make someone lose interest in you. I am definitely going to try this… Thank you!!! Also, keep your phone near at all times, and if you feel like he is about to say he will kill you again, record it. However I've sent him the articles on it as he really needs to fine tune and tweak his methods. The gray rock rule is a … But he keeps getting drawn in. Your nonresistance makes it harder for them to project onto you. In this case, Gray Rock can only hope to buy time until you can make your escape. I got my own place and kept the same job for a few years. How to Grey Rock a Narcissist. It’s possible that they can kill some of the hunger for attention if they learn to see the truth. I changed my self to be a better woman. He tells me he has nobody else. You practically starve toxic people. (See “Can You Tell if a Narcissist Loves You.”) If so, deep yearnings will sabotage your gray rock performance. ALL HE WANTS IS FOR ME TO GIVE HIM WHAT HE NEEDS, I GET NOTHING IN RETURN, NO LOVE, NO APPRECIATION, NOTHING. Reacting can reinforce a skewed view of reality. It’s far better to set effective boundaries on bad behavior and learn strategies to get your needs met. If successful, the emotionally unbalanced person will lose all interest in you. Basically, you deal with the narcissist if you have to, but you only give boring, monotonous responses. They are always seeking others to provide validation, attention and moderation for their own internal self-esteem. Some proponents of the “gray rock method” even suggest wearing gray or neutral clothing, with no makeup or jewelry, to really drive home the “blah” feeling you’re hoping the toxic person will pick up on. One strategy for dealing with a narcissist or sociopath is to act like a “gray rock,” meaning that you become uninteresting and unresponsive. You don’t remember any specific rock you saw today because they blend with the scenery. One strategy for dealing with a narcissist or sociopath is to act like a “gray rock,” meaning that you become uninteresting and unresponsive. (Like, no shit Sherlock, insert eye roll…). Well I use to laugh so peep pain even my own siblings tripper and fell I was laughing so loud and was on floor laughing. He thrives off of others believing his lies & cons, but he’s been slipping up and accidentally letting truths come out lately (halleluyah! Let them keep talking to themselves, basically. So, what can a gray rock do for a narcissist? None of them attract your attention. So, see this rock in your mind and imagine the rock among many other things of other colors, shapes, and sizes. How to Win the Silent Treatment and 5 Types of People Who Love Using It. HE DISAPPEARED(GHOSTED) FOR 2 MONTHS , THEN I FIND OUT HE WAS HAVING ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS COUSIN. I tried this with the psychopath in my life – responding to his antics with no emotion – and he turned very violent. She gets frustrated and stops. By not expressing yourself, you risk becoming alienated from your real self. I can see that in some situations, the “grey rock” technique might actually work. IT was in my darkest time while raising my son alone after 8 years on raising him with his mother who just up and left one day to do her own thing and never looked back did i become proud of who i am. Using the Gray Rock method, your objective is … Follow the strategies described in my ebook, Dealing with a Narcissist. What a great post and a great idea! Different Problem-Solving Styles: What Type of Problem Solver Are You? IF you leave, leave when you know you have plenty of time to get away, and make sure you change your phone number and temporarily delete social accounts too. Even if you no longer want or expect love from your spouse but want to stay married, be prepared for him or her to get needs met outside the marriage. I DONT WANT TO BE HOMELESS. The Gray Rock Method prevents them from finding this in you. The Gray Rock method is not going to work or make anything easier. So, it’s best to answer them. There is a way out for you, it may not be easy but if you want it as bad as you say then you’ll fight for it. So, finding a way to do so is your first priority. The Gray Rock Method is only for those who just cannot get away from the toxic person. He was actually very calm, which was un-nerving. I have lived with a narcissist for a year now I have known their tricks and lies and games. I wish you well and hope you succeed in having a healthy and happy life. Otherwise, they will play these speeches over and over and you will be the one to suffer. Just need to believe in ur self that ur not born to suffer or struggle just know ur beautiful and right person will come by to make u look beautiful and evergreen. Let me tell you what I did to get away from a man who was doing similar things. Thank you for your feedback. I learned more often than not, doing whats right is hard. It’s a better idea to work with a counselor on letting go. Posted Nov 04, 2019 Do not resort to trying to make things easier fight hard to make yourself better.
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